Can anyone recommend an Etiquette book for Step children?

[Debbie]

By that I mean, what to say to people who have step kids. Over the last three weeks, I've been getting my hay delivered from a new hay guy. Originally it was him and his wife. Then the next hay delivery was delayed by his daughter's flight being reschedualed from California and she's a minor. You can't travel without an escort on the airlines (rightfully so) as a minor, so I didn't mind the reschedual for the hay. He showed the next day with the girl in tow as he says he doesn't get to spend much time with Abby. I never did catch if she's only spending a few weeks before school starts or if she gets to stay the school year. She's around 12 years, and so has a split home, but she's a lovely girl and tucked right into the work of tossing down hay bales and then wandered off to look at my horses.

Yesterday was the last of my hay delivery. It was already loaded and he was waiting for his stepson to arrive, then he'd come down to deliver. I misunderstood thinking the stepson might be a wayward teen, but in fact when they showed up many hours later, he was a boy of around 7.

Abby piled right on top of the hay and began shifting the bales down and the wife and I chatted as I helped shift bales and the hay guy stacked them. As we continued to work, I looked at the son (never did catch a name for him) and asked how long it was before he'd arrived. I was just trying to include him in the conversation as he looked tired and disjointed. I clearly asked the wrong thing without realizing it and both parents flew into a tirade. My mouth hung open in shock, and I know my eyes got bigger as the wife fumed that the ex does this every time, which is why she doesn't like him to visit with his father.

"Maybe he lost track of time?" I offered. The step father's face turned red and he launched into a diatribe about how the guy was probably drinking all night and got up late with the son. I was so dismayed by this point because while they ranted, the boy retreated even more in himself, looking at the ground and his shoulders hunched around his ears. Here I was trying to include him and he was reliving the horridness of his morning.

"Well, better late than never." was my final reply to the parents which at least shocked them into silence. I was relieved that got through to them and I turned to Abby who was fetching down another bale of hay. She could see what I was trying to do, and since she's a step child herself, she tried coaxing her step sibling into helping her with the bales. He shook his head no. Then she pitched it backwards and told him it was just as well since she wasn't sure if he could shift the bales, but maybe he could if he wanted to try?

Well, no full blooded little boy will let that pass.....especially from a girl. So he nodded and climbed up with Abby and began tugging at the bales. They were nearly as big as him, and some of them very heavy, but he dug in and scooted them along. In fact, I thought he did really well and the activity seemed to lighten his mood since it gave him something else to think about wholeheartedly.

Since it was 50 bales, it went fast. I told the hay guy he had the makings of a mighty fine work crew there. He beamed with pride saying they'd be truly solid in a couple of years, then he'd lose them to college. I laughed and said in college, they'd probably be keen to help to get spending money, but at least the family seemed restored to good spirits. They were headed to our local mall for some school supplies. I waved them off with 'safe journey's.

So does anyone know if there IS an etiquette book out there for what to do and say for these awkward step/ex situations? When I was growing up, divorces were so rare. Now a days, people seem to change relationships as fast as underwear and it's bewildering for me what to say to the people. Suddenly it's wife/girlfriend/ boyfriend/hubby and a dizzying amount of ex's and step kids. I never like to hurt anyone's feelings unintentionally, and whether they like it or not, that is that kid's mom or dad when they rant about the Ex. I know people get truly emotional, so it makes me wish for some book to be able to politely navigate so I don't set them off like I did yesterday. I thought the wise people of Dalesfans might know if there was a good one out there

[dalesnfellfan]

I don't know of any book Debbie, but I would say you didn't say anything out of turn, I think the little boys mum and stepdad were out of order subjecting him and his stepsister to that. As you say the people they were ranting about were his Dad and stepmum and it's not his fault he was late coming home.

I am in a second marriage and my children were 11 and 13 years old when I met Mike, my present husband, I was always very careful not to run their father down in front of them no matter what he had done to try to make life as awkward as possible, we also had Tim returned very late and allowed to stay up/out till all hours, but I always made sure I took it up with his Dad when the kids were not around.

My Ex. however was not so careful, often trying to pick fights in front of the children, which is so upsetting for them and resulted in my daughter refusing to see her father for over a year, their relationship has never really recovered and she thinks of Mike as her Dad.

A lot of people these days seem to think it is acceptable to use the kids as pawns to score points over the ex. and it is just so unfair, often the kids are confused enough as it is.

I would say it is them that need the etiquette book not you Debbie.

[valerie n scout]

Unfortunately it's just a tread carefully time, the exes usually hate each other and the "other" which ever side that is ALWAYS in the wrong
I just hope the kids can grow thru this time x hugs to you x

[Debbie]

Thank you both for the replies

I've always felt the same, that it's up to the parents to behave as adults and try not to do such in front of the children. I can understand 'in the heat of the moment' and I know emotions can make an adult behave irrationally, or perhaps, rationally, but with too much passion? I mean, I know they both adored the child and they were acting from a seat of emotion where they were fearful/protective, but at the end of the day, it wasn't helpful to the child, especially in front of a complete stranger.

As the stranger, it wasn't doing me any favors emotionally, but I could deal with it better than the child, which was why I asked if there was any better way to deflect the damage. I'm glad to know at the end of the day I didn't really do anything, but still I wondered if there was anyway to stop this before it happened in the sake of passing conversation? I mean, I didn't even know these people and it was the first time I'd met the lad, so I tried the best I could to stave off the damage without further inflicting damage by involving his mother and stepfather as well.

This is fair quicksandy

[Debbie]

Odd, it double posted

[cutemangurdi1]

I feel sorry for the poor lad. Nothing you could have done, Debbie. The parents need to grow up a bit and not use the poor lad as a pawn. Sadly it often happens I these situations. Sometimes the parents are oblivious to the hurt they are causing, sometimes they only think of their own needs and emotions and forget the child in this.